How many things can you do at once?

I am a multi tasker.  I will be working, making clothes for a vacation,  taking care of every one, trying to make sure 40 details are done, clean the house on and on ...... and eventually it will be done and we are in a car and heading down the road towards wherever to have a "vacation".   When we do get there I realize I have forgotten my clothes, someones clothes, whatever.

Today I wonder if that is how I am as I travel toward heaven.  Am I so busy doing all the things  I think are important, that I am forgetting the important things.  One day will I stand before the Lord and He will say, "What about that friend that needed to talk for just a minute but you were busy, or the patient that needed just one more minute of your time, or when your kids needed your attention but you were at work?
And what about all those quiet times that I waited for you but you never had time for ME?"
Am I so busy her on the road to heaven, multi tasking that I am missing the path that I need to be on?

Lord , help me to keep my eyes focused on You and the direction You would have me to take and the tasks You would have me to do as I travel on my road to Heaven.
 What are you doing on your road to heaven? and how will you give account on judgement day?

Maybe multi-tasking is not all it is stacked up to be.

One more day down....

Work was so busy that I did not even have time to check on mom for about 3 hours after I started work.  She is doing great.  When I called her nurse ( who knows me pretty well) he said she was no more confused than I am and that kind of worried me!  Anyway she is in a room and her brain drain is out and she was much more alert yesterday.
It is amazing to me how the Lord takes such good care of us, we pray for that, we talk about how He does that and then when He does, we are amazed.  We really should be amazed if He doesn't take care of us.  Through all this I have worried and fretted, yesterday I had a melt down and realized that I had to turn it over to others and to the Lord and just take my hands off everything to do with mother.  I am sure that I will be picking things back up and having to put them back down, but for today I am still keeping my hands off.
So as I go out the door today, I am asking the Lord to help me keep myself in His hands and focused on Him and not on earthly things.  When my mind is on Him, things here on earth seem so much smaller!
Have a great day!

Advice I will never give again......

The words "Just hang in there, this is normal and it will be over soon.  You will just have to be patient." will never pass from my lips to a patient's family again.  After keeping watch over my confused mother for a week and trying to hold everything together, I realize how empty and useless those words really feel.  There is no comfort in that advice.  How is that supposed to help someone deal with a loved one that has always been strong and independent that is now totally dependent and has to be watched 24-7.

Mother has 2 holes in her head that they drained the blood and a little drain, along with what she calls a "raging headache".   The pain medicine does not get rid of the pain, it only knocks her out for a short while and then when she wakes up she has a headache and is confused.   I feel so sorry for her.  She also knows that I feel bad for her and she also wants someone to stay with her, so we dance a circle of mother-daugther changing roles back and forth.  It makes my head spin and now after a week, I have a headache.

Today is Friday.   Mother was admitted one week ago to the intensive care unit.  She was moved to a regular room, then to surgery and back to the unit.  Now we are anticipating a move back to a   room again.  I am going to work today for the first time since she has been sick.  I have to admit I am apprehensive about going to work, I feel like I am "leaving her", which is hilarious, because I work in the hospital and I will just be down the hall from her.

Sometimes I think I am the confused one and not her.  
Even though I hate the words just hang in there, that's how I feel, and I know that the Lord knows the end of all this and all of my life is Holy Spirit filtered, I have to keep reminding myself constantly that I will make it through all this.  We all will.  I appreciate all prayers.  Keep on praying, I pray, but sometimes they are more like whines and moans, but I know God hears those too.

Has it really been that long......

There are times in my life that things just go haywire and seem to get waaay out of control.  Well, the last six months have been pretty much one of those times and it is continuing.  Mother had hip surgery, moved in with me, I changed jobs, saw a psychiatrist and seemed to have my life turn inside out.  If you have ever lived near a lake you know that at certain times of the year, a lake will "turn over".  This means that the bottom water comes up and the top water goes down, or so it seems.  During this time, the fishing isn't good and the lake water, no matter how pretty the lake usually is, is murky and not really attractive.  I feel like my life has "turned over".  I have felt murky and not good for much of anything.  It has been a time that I feel like I have not been good for a lot of anything.  I know that I have continued to be productive, and life goes on, etc......

Now I sit in the hospital with my mother.  She fell the day before her 80th birthday and bumped her head.  It did not seem so bad, and I ( a nurse) waited a few days before I took her to be scanned.
Well, she did have a head bleed and now we are working on day 4 in the hospital.  She has a headache and the medicine that helps the headache makes her so confused that she cannot be left alone for a minute.
 Through the night last night, I found out that my sister and her late husband are now raising chickens for food. ( I'm sure she will be surprised to find out about that, since she is remarried and I don't think her present husband is the chicken raising type of man).  She has told me various stories of mish mash confusion that I considered taping, but thought it would probably make me confused, like when she asked me what day it was.  I told her it was Saturday, "Is it next Saturday or last Saturday?"  Well, I had to stop and think a minute before I answered.  When I told her that it was this Saturday, she said "Oh I"ve missed a lot."  That was on the second day in the hospital.  This morning she tried to tell me she had been here at least a week, and that we were in the basement of my son's apartment building.

Anyway, here I sit and wonder, am I going to be 80 someday and SOOOOconfused? If I am, I hope that my kids can laugh at me and take it all in stride.  I also hope that I can keep taking this all in stride, even tho sometimes it is hard.  It is my mom and its easy to SAY just hang in there, but its entirely different when you are the one that is doing the hanging.  At least now she is sleeping ......for now and not hurting.

Counting the days.....

In about 10 days my daughter will be here visiting from out of state with my granddaughter.  I can't wait and I was thinking of all the time we would have to be together.  Now I realize that I will have to work part of the time and she will only have 4 days here so it will be a whirlwind visit.  It seems like they all are anymore.  And when we go to visit the visits are fast, too fast.  There is just not enough time to catch up on everything, even tho we talk on the phone and e-mail and text everyday, nothing is like face to face and being able to hug.  I'm not wishing my life away, but I really am looking forward to heaven.  We will have time to enjoy each others company and bask in the presence of Jesus as well.  No jobs to rush off to, or phones to answer, just praising Jesus and enjoying one another.  When I get bogged down by all the rushing around and not enough time syndrome here on earth, I just stop to thank God that eventually I will be in heaven with Him and my children are saved and will be there too.  There will be enough time there.  So don't let today get you down, just look forward to eternity, its what we are all working toward anyway.
Have a great day!

What about those wedding vows?

When you said those vows, if you are married, did you really listen to them?  Did you think about them before you actually got married?  I probably  did not have a clue....well, no probably, I was in lust and just wanted some security.  I guess I thought I would get married and hoped that this time it would work out. (It  was the second time around) and if it didn't well, I guess I would just wing it.  Luckily,( really, luck had nothing to do with it) sometime around our 4th or 5th year of marriage we were saved and God sent a wonderful pastor and his wife that taught us about authority and family and marriage.  It was a life saver for us.  Since that time, I have watched marriages fall by the wayside, marriages that I thought were strong.   What people don't want to hear on the days before the big day is that there will be days that they will WANT to get a divorce, the thought of just walking out the door will seem like a wonderful idea.  But in reality, that will not solve the problems.  I told my son before he got married, there will come a time that you will want to divorce his precious wife to be and it will seem like the easiest way to fix things.  "Oh, mom, I love her so much, I cannot imagine anything that would make me feel that way."  Well, the rough days have come and gone, but fortunately they really do love each other and I do see a silver and probably a golden anniversary in their future.  But there will be more rough days.  My husband and I have been married almost 30 years and we still have some tough days, weeks etc.  I really thought when we got this age and this smart it would all be easy.  Here's a tip....... If you are not walking really close with Jesus and keeping your relationship in line with your spouse as well as with Jesus, you will continue to have  MAJOR problems.  No matter how many marriage conferences you go to, how many books you buy, how many videos you watch, how many friends you get advice from,......the only answer is to have a right relationship with Jesus and with your spouse.   I am working on a study about wives being submissive (well, that will shut down most of you), but I hope you stay with me and keep watching for the good stuff to come.   Have a great day!

Okay.....I am not consistent....

It seems like the harder I try the worse I get.  So I guess I will just go with the flow.   Things at work are smoothing out and I am not sure if its me or others but I am happy with the results and I am praising God for the peace that I have at work.  Its funny how things can be so bad and all of a sudden its all over.   I have been thinking about writing a book lately, well actually I have always wanted to write a book.  That is one of the things on my bucket list.  I really have a heart for wives that are struggling to be submissive and godly wives.  (Maybe when I figure it out I can write that book)  Another book I would like to write is about stay at home moms and how they can deal with the long days at home, make a transition from work to home,  and just keep their sanity doing it.  Two of my girls have done this and I have watched as they get slammed with the emotions and expectations (some unrealistic) that have come with the changes.  I made the change a couple of times and as I look back I realize that I could have done better and just didn't realize I was having such a hard time.  Then I went back to school at 45 and made a major life change that really caused all kinds of bumps in the road.  We tend to call it life, but really we bring a lot of the stuff on ourselves, and we wade through it and then wonder why we are so wiped out at the end.  DUH!!!   Anyway, as life rocks on it does have some really hard spots in it and we have to go through those spots.  I fully believe that God prepares us for those times and we can handle them, nothing says that it will be easy or a joyful experience or fun.  Sometimes we have to go through things to have the wisdom and knowledge to know how to help others at some later time, sometimes its to make us stronger to be able to handle a bigger event later on (isn't that encouraging?). But for what ever reason, God is totally in control, He never leaves us on our own.  I feel like God has brought me through some situations soley to be able to strengthen me and teach me so I can pass the strength and wisdom on to others.  What has God brought you through, or taught you and what are you doing with it?  If you are waiting for God to do something, maybe He is waiting for you to do something with what He has already given you.  Think about it.  I think I will try to make some progress toward using some of the things He has given me,  why don't you?

How blessed are you?

It really hasn't been long since I was on this site, I has a really good blog ( or so I thought) and when I started to post it disappeared!  Now when you ask the Lord to take control of a project you can expect Him to do things that you don't expect.  Anyway, here I am back and I am trusting that the Lord will take control and have me to put on this blog what He wants on the blog.

I am blessed beyond belief.  You probably are too if you just stop and think about it.  I heard a famous minister state on TV that we are the ones that determine how blessed we will be.....yippee....I determine to be REALLY blessed......oh wait there's a catch......by how obedient we are to Jesus.  Well, its not really a catch, but I am like a small child and even tho I know the right things to do, its not what I want to do.  Can you relate?
When you stop to think about your blessings remember not to take things for granted.  Things I use/see/have everyday some people never even would imagine having in their life.  I have a wonderful husband, some people cannot even imagine what that is like.  I have great kids, some people don't even know the whereabouts of their kids.

I do have a job, its stressful sometimes,  but its a good job.  Here it is Monday and I have been home all weekend and have my Pollyanna attitude back.  Hopefully, it will last until noon at least today.  :)
The Lord really does want to bless us and as my precious daughter-in-law reminded me this weekend, "we should do all things as unto the Lord."  I need to tatoo that somewhere on my body or better yet hang a sign in front of my eyes to remind my constantly.

Have a good day....or two...or three....and keep smiling...Jesus loves you and made you special for a purpose that only you can fulfill.   And if you let Jesus, He will work it in you if you let Him.

Does anyone interview well....

I am pretty good at handling myself, I can talk at anyone.  But I do not do well at interviews.  Yesteray I interviewed with a doctor for a job in his office.  He only asked 3 questions and I answered them, but when I left I thought "I could have answered those better".  It probably didn't help that I was called at work and they asked me to come ove on my lunch break, so basically I was really unprepared for an interview at that time.  I didn't have a choice thought, it was now or never.
That is how its going to be when Jesus calls us home.  He will call and we will go.  There will be no time to prepare for the questions so we can give just the right answers.  I know that He will ask questions and He will call us when we least expect it.  We better be ready, because there will be no second chance.   The best thing to do is be prepared all the time.  Make sure you are forgiven, you have forgiven others, there is no bitterness lurking in your heart and you are focused on Jesus, that way when He calls you will be ready to go and there will be no hesitation, and you will not miss out on that call and new precious home prepared just for you.  Get prepared......

Change

I keep waiting for life to get back to normal, and when I look around, my life has been like this for about 25 years so this could be normal for me.  My mom is recovering from surgery here at my house, which she does every 5 years or so.  My job is in turmoil and I am in indecision about whether to stay and tough out the turmoil or just leave and go to a new place of turmoil.  I am old enough to know that no place is perfect to work.  There are problems everywhere and drawbacks to every job.  The grass is never really greener.  Sometimes we just need to go through these times, but it seems like I keep going through them.  I decided that God is trying to teach me something and He tries every 5 years or so and either I don't learn the lesson or He moves me up to the next level.  I hope I am moving up.
When it comes down to the core of it all,  life is good.  I am so thankful for my family, my job ( some people don' t have jobs),  for my relationship with Jesus and all the things that He does walk me through.  Because no matter how bad I think things are, I know that Jesus will carry me through and nothing here on this earth can take mu soul....If it kills me physically, I will just head on out of here to heaven,  if things are just hard, it will just make me stronger.  I know that I will just be so strong by the time I am 60 that there will be no stopping me then.  Today I commit to be thankful for all things.....be thankful with me....for your kids, the air you breath, your job(no matter how you feel about it) and most of all be thankful that Jesus died on the cross for all our sins.  

Weekend comes to an end....

Well, the weekend is over and it feels like I just walked out of work on Friday....well I did work on Saturday morning.  I have a friend that used to tell me she would stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights because it made the weekend seem longer.  I thought she was crazy then.  Now I do the same thing AND I get up early on Sat and Sun mornings and will even stay up later on Sunday nights.  I have just started working five days a week instead of four days a week and it makes the weekends even shorter.  But, you know time is the same.....60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day.  How I chose to spend my time is guided by what priorities I place in my life.  Today we went to church and spent time with family.  Then my husband and I played video games.  ( hey, its what we do)  When I look back on the weekend, I will not say "I wish I had spent time doing other things".  As I get older I learn to pick and chose what is really important.  I know that the sheets need to be changed on the bed, but mother needed to have her toenails done and so the sheets will wait.  I probably could have done something more profitable than play video games but someday I will look back and it will be a precious memory of the times that we played video games and laughed and worked so hard to finished a game.  Its all about what is important.  Don't let others decide what is important for you, decide for yourself, then you will have less regrets to look back on.  Think about your choices and what kind of memories you are making for yourself ( and your family).  If you don't have some great memories building up because you are so busy you may need to change some priorities.  Get out there and make some memories with someone you love......you will not regret it ......have a great day.

Paranoia is rampant.....

You know how people always feel like someone is out to get them?  She wants my husband, he wants my job,  etc.....well, I am no different.  I know everyone wants my husband because he is so wonderful.  He takes perfect care of me.  He is retired and drives me everywhere ( I hate to drive) even back and forth to work EVERYDAY.  He does most of the house work...like I say he is great, so why wouldn't everyone want him?  I also have a great job, but I don't feel like everyone wants my job.  I just feel like there are people who want me to get out of my job.  There is one person always trying to find something wrong with the way I do my job, always criticizing and always on my back about every little thing.  There are days that I think I cannot walk thru the door one more time, but I do.
Now I know that my husband is not perfect, he is just a man.  He is a wonderful man and I love him dearly but that still does not make him perfect.  I have Jesus, and I share Jesus with others around me regularly.  Jesus is perfect.  Jesus can do so much more for people than my husband could ever do, but people still want him instead of Jesus.  Why do you suppose that is?  Jesus is the one and only way to get through this life and into heaven.  While my husband is a godly man and can do a lot of things, he cannot get me into heaven.  I need Jesus for that.   Having said that, as well as there is Jesus, there is also a spiritual enemy trying to do everything he can to keep me out of heaven.  He is always on my back , nipping at my heels, telling me that I will not make it to heaven, telling me that I am not good enough, not really worthy to be a child of God.  Some days I think I cannot face this enemy one more day and I let myself slip into a pity party and just go along with this enemy.  Then I look at those around me that are struggling and don't know Jesus and don't have a clue of the wonderful peace and comfort that is there for them.
Yep, I have a wonderful husband, but I also have Jesus.  I have a great job, I also have an enemy that nips at me constantly.  But, you know what?  If Jesus can deliver me from the firey darts of the spiritual enemy, then this earthly enemy can't really harm me.
Next time you feel those darts coming, cry out to Jesus, He is the Deliverer.  Just cry out to Jesus and let Him carry you through all these trials.  He can do it and best of all He will do it for you.
Have a great day........Let me hear from you if you are enjoying the blogs

Back to regular routine.....

Back to work today after a long weekend that was really short.  Had call part of the weekend and worked and a lot going on at home so just like everyone else the weekend seemed like it flew by.  Life is like that.  We get busy and before we know it our kids are grown and the things we meant to teach them or do with them its too late.  Before you know it your parents are old or pass away and those things that you were always going to tell them are unsaid.  I wrote a note to my dad before he died telling him how much he meant to me.  Unfortunately it took a terminal illness to make me do that.  I wish I had done it years before.    My dad loved my unconditionally.  I always knew that no matter what I could go to him and he would help me and keep on loving me.  When I learned about being saved it was so easy for me to believe that I had a heavenly father that would love me unconditionally because I had an earthly father that loved me that way. Now I try to tell people how much I care for them,  I am still not as responsible about it as I should be tho.  Make an effort today to tell at least one person how much you love/appreciate them and what a difference they make in your life.

My mom is staying here with us and recovering from hip surgery, and I may grumble sometimes and get tired and am not as patient as I should be, but it truly is an honor to be able to care for a parent.  Many people don't have parents to care for.  If you have a parent that you are not speaking to or have no contact with for whatever reason remember this:  God gave you those parents for a reason, if you are not speaking to them of your choice then you are saying that God is wrong and you are treading on thin ice. If it is their choice, pray they have a change of heart.  If it is an abusive or harmful relationship, then you have made the right choice.  

God is parent to us all, you can count on Him for all things.

Have a good day and remember to keep your joy and don't let anyone take it away from you.....its your choice.

What!!!!!two days in a row?????Who is this woman that has taken over my blog page....

It's a holiday for me.....I do not understand how the 4th is on Sunday so they close everything on Monday....well almost everything.  The department I work in at the hospital is closed but the call team is working.   I was called in last night for 3 hours....good times.   Actually, as I have said before I love my job.  I love the docs, the work, the patients, and most of the time my co-workers.   You do not have to love or be best friends with your co-workers.  You only have to work with them 8-10-12 hours a day, then you go home.  I do not live with any of them.  And I can tolerate any thing for that long. ( and I do get breaks that I can get away for a few minutes)
I love music and I love to sing.  Now I never claimed to be a great singer or even a good singer.  I just love to sing.   I hum all the time at work, home, everywhere. And I have hummed as long as I can remember, literally all my life.  Last week a patient was really nervous about her procedure and I told her that we would be right with her and we would play some soothing music if she would like and it would all be ok and over before she knew it.   As things progressed and the procedure drew to an end, I commented to her "Now see that wasn't so bad was it?"  Her reply was, "When you told me there would be music, I thought that would be good and the music was good, but when you started that humming, girl, it was bad."   (I blamed the drugs she had been given during the procedure) My co-workers just knodded in agreement (with her).  Now I am not a person to get my feelings hurt easily and this did not hurt my feelings, everyone is entitled to their own opinions.  I did tell my team I wish they would have told me instead of letting me run around embarrassing myself.
For the rest of the day I did my best not to hum,  I really tried to be quiet.  Now we have music playing in the procedure rooms most of the time and the patient usually gets to choose what type of music they prefer (within reason).  I do not always hum the music that is playing.  I have my own tunes in my head and am reminded that I need to "get with the tunes in the room"
I tell all this to say.....Just because you've done something all your life, does not mean its right or you are good at it and you should continue doing it.   Even at 54 sometimes you need to realize that a change could be a good thing.  I think I hum because I am happy and content.  I have a happiness inside of me that I know no one can take because Jesus placed there.  After a week of trying NOT to hum, I will not promise that I won't hum or even burst out in a song, its part of me, but I'll try to do it in the shower or in the car and not inflict my voice on anyone else.  Again no promises.
What are you inflicting on others?   Are you happy and content?  Happiness and contentment is there for all who want it........just ask......last time I checked Jesus still had plenty.

my monthly post.....

I started this blog to release some creativity ( which those around me will tell you I do not have enough to be releasing any extra) and to make myself have something to create a consistency in my life.   It seems the consistency is consistently monthly and so the amount of creativity is small. Anyway I am still trying to make myself keep on track.
I guess it all boils down to the fact that I am like all the other moms, gramms and nurses and wives out there.  I have way too much on my plate and I feel like if I am not doing for others then I am not doing what I am supposed to do.  Lately, my mom has been here with us.  She had hip surgery last month and is recovering here.  She is doing really well and making great progress.  I am a creature of habit and any little thing that upsets my schedule makes me feel crazy ( crazier).
I am on new meds for whatever I had going on before, the docs call it anxiety, I call it "everybody is on my last nerve" and I am much better now.   My cords are finally starting to untangle.  (see previous blog.)
My precious husband is rocking along and being a rock all along.  I am not sure how he keeps it all together and puts up with me but he does.....did I mention that he has pulled all his hair out?
Yesterday we had a house full of people here for an early supper.  Trying to keep things happy and light for mom.  My oldest brother is recovering from colon cancer and my son from knee surgery.  I thought "well this is really a sickly bunch".  We did have a good time tho and our 3 y/o granddaughter livened the whole afternoon up.  Gramms did get her into trouble when I asked her to show her great-unlcle how she could burp.  She is the only 3 year-old I know that can burp on demand and gets out a really good belch.   If you call it a belch now you will really get her wound up.
Like I have said before on this page and I will continue to repeat it for all of you and myself......lets try to be content in what we have and where we are.....If things are so bad then do something about it, don't just grumble and make all those around you miserable.   I am tired of people complaining and just making others miserable.  I refuse to let others dictate my mood, I will be content and happy.  So don't let others take your joy away from you....its yours.  It can only be taken away if you let it be taken.

Eggshells and relationships

Yes, I know....where have I been? well,  time seems to get away from me really fast.  Work is hectic and takes up a lot of time, took a long weekend trip to visit my daughter.....regular stuff and before I know it here it is 3 weeks later and blogging is resuming.  So what does this have to do with eggshells and relationships?  As I have watched some marriages dissolve at work and friendships fade away, I began to realize that relationships are so precious.  If you drop an egg and it completely breaks, it is pretty much gone, the insides will run all over the counter or floor and you will not be able to recover any useful amount of the egg.  If you have a relationship that you "drop" and don't handle with care it will be wasted all over the place and you will probably not be able to recover it.  I tell you all this to say that isn't it amazing that we treat eggs that we can buy for less than $2 a dozen at the store than we treat the people that we love and call our friends?  What if we started treating one another carefully, like we would an egg? We might get along better and be happier.  Try it for a day or two.

Irregular blogger......well I am trying

It seems that I am not doing too good of a job at blogging.  When I started this I thought, "I can pop in each day and Blog a few thoughts".  Well, I was so wrong!  First, I am not good at being committed ( I am working on that), second, it does take time and by the time I get home from work, I don't always feel like sharing a few thoughts.  Usually when I get home my mind is numb and thoughts are few and far between.    I have been doing better lately at being more committed.  My quiet time seems more fruitful.  My  tangles in my mind seem to be looser and not so knotted up.  I can think more clearly.  Its funny how I have known for years that Jesus is the  door to all my problems but I look in all the other corners and crevices for answers and He is the last resort.  Why do we do that?  I think its because it sounds too easy.  Just go to Jesus.  He already knows your problems, but talk to Him and let Him handle the mess you are in.  No, we want to run around and murmur and moan and groan,  try all the latest remedies for whatever ails us and THEN we will run to Jesus and wonder what took Him so long to fix our problems.  Next time you are in a mess or just feeling lonely or alone, just turn around and let Jesus take control of all that ails you, He will listen, be there and have an answer for you.  It may not be the answer you want, but it will be the best answer for you.  Go ahead, try it......what have you got to lose?  You can always go back to moaning and murmuring tomorrow if Jesus doesn't work for you today.   Have a good day.... or maybe week....depending on how long it takes me to get back.

Eventually all things work together for the good

things are beginning to smooth out finally.  I once again realize that God does hear all my prayers and does care about all that goes on in my life.  Sometimes He lets us go through things so we can be a sympathetic ear to others.  It has been amazing to me that for a few days I thought that I was literally losing my mind and was about to drop off the deep end and now I can actually see things clearer and feel like I am standing on level ground.  Now, I have a girl at work that is about to fall apart at the seams and she does not know the Lord.  I have talked to her some, but she is not really ready to hear a lot.  She is still in the stage of being wrapped up in herself.  How long do we all stay in that stage and how much quicker could we get out of our pits if we took our eyes off of ourselves?   Once I began to truly seek God it seemed like I began to lift out of the dark cloud that covered me.  I know what you are thinking......well, duh! she should already know that! and I do BUT when you hit the bottom of the barrel and you just don't know how you got there and its all dark and murky, well then its hard to look anywhere but at yourself.  All I can tell you is that the most important thing is to get your eyes off yourself and keep them on Jesus.  I used to say pray for someone else, but this time I was in such bad shape, I could not even pray for myself much less anyone else.  Keep your head up and your eyes up and your heart focused on the things that are not of this world, eventually, and it may take a while, things will turn around.   Have a good week and keep smiling.....a smile always lightens someones day.

Do the tangles ever end?

I am still untangling the cords in my life.  The new meds are helping, at least I am sleeping and beginning to feel like a human again.  My co-workers are not complaining so much about me and my husband says that I my not  so "snappy".   He has been such a rock thrugh all this, just being here and putting up with all my moodiness.  He never complains, he just stands by concerned for me and being here all the while just where and when I need him.
 The best part is that I feel like I am beginning to like myself once more.  I still have days that I have a meltdown but for the most part I am better.   The spiritual part of my wound is getting better also.  I was struggling with going to a wordly doctor instead of someone in church etc. but when I got to my Dr.  appt, the counselor that met  with me stated that she was a Christian counselor and she counselled from a christian view.  If I was not comfortable with that she would turn me over to one of the other counsellors.   Needless to say, I will be staying wtih her as I was wanting a Christian aspect for counselling.  It really was an answet to prayer.  I think that I will be OK now.  Not to say I won't have some rought days ahead but I really know that with Jesus I amy living on the belief that no matter what, God has a plan and it will be better than anything I could imgine.   So keep praying for me and check back, I will try to keep you posted on what God is doing.

untangling takes time.....

Well, since last time....and I know it has been a little time, I have been trying to untangle some things in my life.  Spending more time in prayer and reading my Bible has been a priority and of course when you make a commitment for this it seems all hell ( and believe me it is hell) comes against you.  I have finally taken to going to the chapel at work during my lunch breaks to have some quiet time to read and pray.  It is usually only 20 minutes but still better that the 0 minutes I was having on most days.
I am still working on the worn out part,but I realize that as the spiritual aspect gets better then everything else does too.  I also suffer from some serious depression that I am the worst person in the world to explain away and try to say "oh I can handle this, it will go away soon.....blah,blah....." but it doesn't.  So I have hooked up with a doctor that  really handles these sort of things, not just my family doctor trying to put a bandaid on a gaping open wound. ( He was doing the best he could, he just did not know what to do with me).  So now I am on some real med and seeing a Christian therapist that will hold me accountable to get myself in shape.   I do not mean to make any of this sound trivial for those who have been through or are going through this journey,  I am just getting started and for now it is easier for me to look at it with a lightness, because if I look too deep, it may just scare me to death!
Keep praying for me and offer any suggestions or comments if you would like.  I am up for any help I can get.  I know I am not the only person in the world going through this.  Right now I am going to keep my chin up and my eyes on Jesus.  He alone is able to get me through.....He has the right people here on earth to give me a hand along the way when I need a fleshly touch.  
Remember.....Never be embarassed to ask for help, everyone needs help sometime and the sooner you get help, the quicker you will get back on your feet.
My flat iron cord is untangled and every morning I think about how important it is to keep it untangled.  Do you know that if an electrical cord stays tangled and knotted up it will eventually get breaks in the wires and begin to have shorts in the electrical currents and will not get the energy that it needs to do its job....then before long it will not work at all....and it can even cause a fire and burn down your house.
Who knew that one little tangled cord could do all that?  Just like that cord eventually if your life stays tangled and jumbled,eventually you will expeprience shorts, be unable to work and you may even burn your house down ( well, maybe not really burn it down, but you will make a mess of it).  Untangle the cords,  life will be much easier in the long run.   Life does go on and it does not wait for any of us.....lets get well and in shape mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually so that we will be able to keep up with all the others running the race.   Have a great day...week..or month.

Looking Back

A few posts back I talked about quiet times with God and how important those times were to all of us.  As I have been searching the last few days and trying to unravel all the twists and turns of my confusion, one of the things I realize is the lack of regular time spent with the Lord.  I have been remiss to commit a set time to pray, read and worship Him.  Oh, I whisper that quick prayer as I rush through my morning or as I put my head on my pillow.  I know that God wakens me in the middle of the night with someone on my mind and I will pray feverently for them.  I am quick to pray for my patients and co-workers.  I read scriptures here and there...after all I do have the Bible on my IPod with me all the time.  But that intimate relationship that I once had with my Lord has drifted and that frightful luke warm temperature in my relationship with God has occurred.  I have now recommitted to be more diligent and committed to prayer, reading my Bible and worship.  As I have examined all the things that I need to change, my spiritual well-being is at the very center of everything.  So now I am one step closer to working out all that I know must be "fixed" and that won't happen overnight.  I know that just saying that I need a quiet time is not enough; that it will take effort because I am a creature of habit and I have some bad habits that will have to be broken and new habits made.  Feel free to comment and offer any suggestions.   Thanks for reading.

Where Have I Been?

Yes, I am back to blog.  It has been a long 10 days.  And where does the time go?  I did not even realize that it had been 10 days until this morning when I opened the site.  Anyway, I apologize to those that have been looking and finding nothing new.  On to some new things ....that are really old but need to be said  again and again.

This morning I was straightening my hair ( like every morning) and my cord was too short.  I looked at it and it was twisted and tangled.  Well how did that happen?  I knew that it had been tangled and each morning I would think, next time I am going to straighten that cord, but I would rush on through the morning and leave the cord tangled.   Finally, the cord was so tangled that it would not even reach from the plug to my head.  Do you see where I am going?   When I started to untangle the cord there were knots in the cord...now how did knots get in the cord?  In fact how did the cord get so tangled?  

My life is like that cord.  I have rushed on thru things and pressed on, noticing tangles but able to keep going even tho there are tangles.  Now I have reached a point that I am going to have to do some untangling.  I have realized that my life is so full of knots that I am unable to function as I should.  I am not sure that I want to see all the knots that I have in my life.  But I am going to press on. I know that I am spiritually, emotionally and physically wornout.  The next months (or year, however long it takes) I will be untangling things.  Some things I will share here and some things I may not want to share, I may not want to see it at all just yet.   Now don't get excited and think that you will read about some juicy sex or big blow up.  I have just let myself spin out of control and the Lord will let you know when it is time to give Him back control of your life and get back to listening to Him.  So the first step is to get myself spiritually in shape which is hard when you hurt all over and you are an emotional wreck.   But I know it is possible.  If you are experiencing the same symptoms, don't wait until you are totally out of control, get things in line BEFORE everything is out of control.  

In a way I am looking forward to what God will do thru all this.....watch with me....

What are you leaving behind?

I have this discussion on a regular basis.  I need to clean out some of the junk that I seem to accumulate.  Its stuff that really is of no use to me and will certainly be of no use to anyone when I am no longer here.  I really do not want my kids to have to sort through all this stuff and make the decisions whether to throw it away, keep it, donate,......... well, you get the picture.  Yet I still have boxes of stuff that I cannot seem to part with.  What is it about the projects that I think I'll do someday, you know, the ones that I was going to do when the kids were grown and now they are in their 30's and I still haven't done the projects.  Are the kids grown yet?  What about all those books that I am going to read?  Or the ones that I have already read and I am still keeping around?  

My husband and I are planning to sell our house and downsize.  I really hope that this will be a time that I clean house and get rid of all the things that I have planned to do and never get around to it.  I fully expect a freedom when those projects and books are no longer hanging over my head.  I also will feel good that my kids will not have to deal with all that stuff when I am gone from here ( or when they put me in that really nice nursing home).  

Next time I want to talk about what I do want to leave to my kids and grandkids.  

Have a good evening and don't rush around to clean out those closets and stuff.  It will all be there tomorrow....and the next day....mines been with me for years.   

Is your spouse your friend?

This week one of my friends close family members died. She stated how hard it would be on the spouse becuase they had never had children and were reallly best friends. She said, "They actually liked one another". I like my husband, and we have children and we are best friends. As I looked around those at the table, I realized that I was the odd one out. Most of the people there were not friends with their spouse. Its really a sad thing for me to think about. Are you friends with your spouse? When you go out to eat, (or maybe have a meal together at home) do you talk to one another? Or are you like the couple I saw that each one was texting and talking on the phone through the whole meal. It was a nice resturant and they should have been enjoying the food and one another. Do you tell your spouse every day that you love them? Are the two of you just living in the same house or do you actually share a life in the house? What kind of example are we setting for our children? Do they see you laughing and sharing love with one another? I hope that if anything ever happens to me or my husband that people will say, "I sure willbe hard on him/her, because they were best friends." To me that would be the greatest testimony of the love that Christ has put in our lives. Think about it, what would you want said about you? More important....what do you want in your marriage today? For starters, think about what it was about your spouse that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place? When they do that now does it irritate you or do you even notice. Remember the early days of love and romance and bring them back. Oh yeah, tell one another "I love you" at least 2-4 times a day. It won't kill you, I promise.

Peaceful Sunday morning

Its early Sunday morning and the house is quiet. The coffee is hot and the house it cool. It makes for a comfy spot in my chair. Before I went to work I loved the time after every one left and I could curl up in my chair and have that cup of coffee and spend some time alone and quiet, not really alone tho. Its important to have that time in the day to refresh and recharge yourself. Just a few minutes with the Lord to just have a time of fellowship. Kind of like Adam and Eve had in the garden way back when.....but not reallly even close.....I am sure that what Adam and Eve experienced was beyond anything we could even imagine. I envy that and at the same time treasure the times that I have. Now that I work full time those times are a little harder to capture but I still work to have those times of fellowship. Don't sacrifice the time of quiet and peace because you feel you are just too busy or have too many demands......all that busyness and all those demands will be there at the door waiting for you when you are through. Get a cup of coffee....curl up in your favorite chair....get your journal and Bible....and get ready for a nice little visit. Enjoy!

I've missed a couple of days. It seems like life is just crazy sometimes. Have you ever gone to work and felt like you were there for 3 days and it was actually only 10 hours? That's how its been lately with me. As a nurse I see so many people that are not at their best, to say the least. Families are worried and scared, so they are not very easy to deal with. Its amazing how people will act and react to illness and disease. I make it a point to remind myself that these people would not normally act this way, but they are just reacting to a situation.

I want to always be quick to offer a soothing word and a calming spirit to all the people I come in contact with in the hospital. If I can make the journey through the cold sterile halls a little easier for someone then I feel that I have done what I was placed here to do.

As a Christian I believe very strongly that I should be ever ready with a prayer or a word for some one in need. When a patient or a family member requests a prayer, I will not hesitate to pray with them. I consider it an honor to be asked to pray for these people. It is also an honor that they see in me that spirit that will lead me to pray for them. I pray that I never lose that spirit in me.

Today, I watched a lady's heart stop and then start again. Will it keep beating? I don't know, but I do know that she is in God's hands and that is where I want to be.

As I daily walk the cold hallways of the hospital, the days that feel like a week and are only 10 hours, I want to be ever mindful of who I belong to and exactly why I am here in these halls. It is not to make myself look good or create a good name for myself but to make sure that in all things I glorify God and make His name known to all I meet here.

Has it been a hard week? Yes. Will next week be easier? Probably not. Will I keep going back? Yes, I love being a nurse. Mostly, I love being able to share the love and peace with people who really don't feel much peace at that time. May your day be filled with peace. If its not, look to the One that has the peace that you need.

Just wanted to add a little note that I hope someone out there is reading this and enjoying my blog. Feel free to post a comment. Thanks for spending a little time out of your day with me. I know that your time is precious.

It's spring here and the warm weather is welcome. The trees and flowers are blooming and if you are from the south then you know that the dogwood trees are in full bloom. It is all so beautiful. AAhhhh spring....looking forward to lazy summer days....vacation relaxation. Wait! What is that that I see all over everything, no it can't be, oh yes it is. POLLEN. It is everywhere. A yellow-greenish film all over everything as far as you can see....it is amazing how quickly it can cover a city. I just went to sleep last night and this morning the film is everywhere. What's worse is that everyone's eye's are itching, we are all sneezing and blowing our noses and asthma sufferers can't go outside. Tissue sales sky rocket because everyone needs more tissues. It takes all the fun out of spring. We need a good rain to wash it away. When that rain comes you can watch the pollen wash down the street. It's amazing to watch it run down the street and into the gutters. Once again your car is white not yellowish green and you can go outside without sneezing your head off. Yes, the rain had washed it all away.

Much like life. We are so excited....our life looks so good on the outside. We have a good job, nice house, nice car, the perfect family. It all seems so right. But really there is a film all over our life that creates great misery and we need a rain to wash away the misery. That film is sin. It can be a secret sin.....addiction to porn, alcohol, credit cards, sex,....any number of things that ruin our lives. Oh we carry on outwardly. No one really knows that we have any problems but we know and sometimes we wonder how long we can carry on.

I've been in that position of the secrets, hiding things hoping that no one finds out and at the same time hoping that some one does find out so that it will all be over and out in the open. I would pray for a way out. If you are stuck in one of these situations and are praying for a way out, keep praying and know that you are not alone, God hears you and He has not forsaken you. It will all work out. It will not be easy.......The rain will come and wash all the pollen in your life down the gutters and someday things will be clean again. Like spring bursting forth, it can be painful....the buds burst out, the caterpillars burst into butterflys....it can all be painful. No one promised life would be easy and pain free. So look for the spring and wait for the rain that will come and wash away the pollen (sin) and once again make all things clean and new. It really will come. I know....I've seen it with my own eyes.

Another day....As I watched the news about the miners in Virginia and the explosion, the families left behind, friends that made it out, I was aching for those people. I know that there are no words to ease their pain. I can remember when my dad died and the cards and calls that came in. I knew that people meant well and I appreciated their thoughts, but it really felt so empty, it really did not ease the pain or ache knowing that he was gone. The day of his funeral, I was caught by the fact that the world kept turning, people were shopping and going on with their lives not noticing that I was going to the cemetery to bury my dad. I wonder if all those miners families will have the same thoughts. I will pray for them, knowing that no words will ease the ache or loneliness of their loss. And yes, the world will keep turning and everyone else's life will go on and the loss of a father, brother, uncle, or son will go unnoticed in parts of town. We need to treasure every day we have here with our loved ones because we never know when they (or we) walk out the door that may be the last time we see them. Don't forget to say "I love you" you just never know.......

well, I've had some good response to this site. I hope people will read and enjoy. At work we have a rash of pregnant girls. They were amazed when they asked when I found out what I was having and I told them that when I had my babies we did not get ultra sound exams. Of course, we didn't have cell phones, lap top computers, digital cameras. Things have really changed. When you got in your car to go somewhere you did not talk to anyone until you arrived at your destination. No cell phone to call everyone. The issues are still the same tho.....is the baby going to be ok, is he going to grow up healthy, will I know how to raise him right? What if I mess this kid up and he turns out to be a mass murderer or something. Well, take heart. God knows you and He knows this child He is sending to you. He chose to give this child to you and He will give you the right wisdom and grace and mercy to raise this child. This child is your gift from God. Treat it with care, but be a good steward of this little life. Have a good day!

Since I have never really done anything like this, I want to start out by telling some things about myself. I am middle to older aged nurse. Kids are raised and grandkids are here. Husband is retired. I like to think that I have a level head and see things from a pretty good perspective. I have always wanted to write a book, but just never pursued that desire. Through this blog I hope to share some of the things that I would probably put in a book if I wrote it. It is my heart's desire to see families become closer and committed to one another. I want to see a commitment of husbands to wives and vice versa. I would love to see kids that could come to mom and dad with a problem without having to make an appointment. I also know that with all the commitments that we have now days it is so hard to make all the ends meet much less see each other from time to time. What everyone needs to remember is......the problems are the same.....the technology and the times are different. Come with me as we explore these issues.

Once again, I am not an authority.....just a mom and wife and daughter......I am living it just like you.......